He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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