You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
