Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
