a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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