There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
