I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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