Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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