I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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