My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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