sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
