Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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