You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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