i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
