I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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