Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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