For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
