matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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