I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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