ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
