i wish my penis had a tongue
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
