Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
