So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
