If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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