i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
