god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
