Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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