my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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