a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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