so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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