I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize