No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
