You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
