i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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