Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize