Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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