There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
