On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
