You just made me feel so damn special
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
