he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
