I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
