I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
