I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
