Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
