Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
