3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
