I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
