I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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