Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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