she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
