Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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