why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
