I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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