allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
