im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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