every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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