If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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