After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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