im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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