my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
