He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
