Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
