I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
