I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
