I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
